When groupies get grabby: Candid advice from rock band Pirate
A fan asks, the band responds
From Pirate Magazine, August 5, 1984
A FAN ASKS…
Dear Jack,
I’m the head of a country rock band here in the Lone Star state. The groupies are driving me crazy. We can’t hear ourselves play with them screaming like banshees throughout our set. Not just here, but everywhere we go. They’re always grabbing us and pinching our rear ends — or worse. Then the boys bring ‘em on the bus and I never get a wink of sleep. Should we go heavy metal and get rid of these pesky girl fans? Or what?
- “Almost Had It in Texas”
Note to reader: Although the question is addressed to Jack, we let the boys go first. The best is saved for next-to-last (me, of course). Our lead singer, as usual, gets the last word.
- Dunk MacGregor, Band Manager
THE BAND RESPONDS…
Dear Almost,
What’s the matter with you? Bands fall apart all the time. Your minutes with the chicks are numbered. Groupies are the spoils. Enjoy.
- Rob Rickman, bass guitarist
Dear Almost Had It in Texas,
We played in Austin and El Paso. Those are great towns.
OK, so the thing you need to remember is that groupies have feelings too. I’ve talked to many of them after they got rejected. You know, when they were told they couldn’t come with us and were sobbing and everything. And they don’t mean to be grabby. They’re just excited to see us.
Don’t forget, they’re people too.
- Randy Rickman, Keyboardist
Dear Almost,
Don’t listen to him. He’s a chick in disguise, inhe?
- Rob again
Dear Almost,
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Sleep with their ladies.
- George Farraday, Drummer
Dear Almost,
Dude, you’re forgetting the most important thing: the ladies love to do stuff for you. Like make you coffee, or get you ice from the ice machine, or run out for some Cuervo Gold. Make them happy by letting them do that. Expand your mind, man. Embrace the experience. Live in the moment.
- Sam Wilson, lead and rhythm guitarist
Dear Almost,
As the band’s expert in matters of a sexitudinous nature, allow me to add my sexpert opinion. (See what I did there?)
If the ladies are gaggin’ for it, what’s a bloke to do? Now you can’t satisfy everyone all of the time, but you can satisfy some of the ladies one of the times — either before the concert in your dressing room, during the concert behind the stage when your drummer is doing his solo (trade favors with him if you want it to go on longer), or after the concert in your dressing room again, or back at the hotel, or wherever else might take your fancy. Alleys can be fun, or stopping elevators between floors.
Now keep in mind, if you have more than one at a time, you can satisfy more of them overall, see what I mean? It’s a numbers game. So do your job and be a rock star. Take care of as many of your fans as you can. You capiche me, dude?
By the by, I asked management for a sex tent onstage. Like Van Halen, yeah? Just so I don’t have to bribe George no more. Course, they said no because what management don’t want, labour don’t get. I’m talking to the boys about some strike action. Like not coming to soundcheck until they give us what we want. I’ll keep you posted.
- Keith Aldcroft, lead and rhythm guitarist
Dear Almost,
Forget what all these nambies are saying. If ya don’t like the girls, ya don’t like the girls. Ya can’t make yourself like them. There’s plenty of other fish in the rock ’n’ roll sea. Start trolling and I think you might find what floats your boat, if ya get my drift. (And if ya don’t like me mixing my metaphors, mate, feel free to bugger off.)
- Dunk MacGregor, Band Manager
Dear Almost Had It,
You’re suffering from what Dunk and I refer to as “Gigi’s” – grabby groupies. He’s always warning me to “look out for that Gigi on your left,” or “a drunk Gigi has got backstage, so be alert.” There’s no question, Gigi’s are a big problem, especially when they tear your hair out by the roots or rip off your favorite pair of sunglasses and run off with it.
But never fear, I have some tried-and-true remedies for you — as long as being called a freak by your band doesn’t bother you.
Number one: Ban groupies from backstage and the tour bus. The boys can have them in their hotel rooms, but only girlfriends and wives should be allowed in the inner sanctums. (Make sure the boys stay on a different floor in the hotel.) Believe you me, if you don’t institute this rule early on, you’ll have some major problems with wives and girlfriends, not to mention Gigi’s all over the bloody place.
Number two: Why are you traveling with the boys in the band? You’re management and deserve your own bus. Not to mention, how will they respect and follow you if they see you in your ‘off’ moments? Like when you hit the roof because your band manager does his business on the bus, not to mention uses up an entire roll of toilet paper. Or when you have to wipe away some tears watching the video of Ordinary People—a video that would never see the inside of a VCR with the boys, even though Robert Redford directed it and Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore, and Timothy Hutton star in it. C’mon! How many times can a sane person watch Rocky Balboa or Conan the Barbarian or Spinal Tap? No, you need your privacy and your dignity as a leader, as well as total control over your living space. No more being kept awake for you. A separate bus is an absolute must.
Number three: Dock the boys’ pay if they break the rules. Make it an amount that hurts. Money talks loudest, in my experience.
But listen, don’t go metal just to get rid of female fans. They spend a fortune on merch, especially clothing, which has an insane markup, and they bring the boys. The key is dealing with Gigi’s—using my tried-and-true remedies. Don’t give up, my Texas compatriot.
- Jack St James, co-founder, lead singer and songwriter
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